OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Drunk is not a location!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
