Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize