I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize