there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
