I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
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