If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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