I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
