I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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