You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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