I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
