What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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