I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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