Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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