you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
