I'm going to jail i love you
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
