Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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