u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
