I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Randomize
