The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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