Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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