her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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