I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
