Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
