im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
