I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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