I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
where are my eyebrows?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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