She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize