Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
