Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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