i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
