I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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