It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
