Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
