Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
