So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
