I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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