woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I FOUND THE LEGS
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
