All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
