Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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