we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
