I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
