so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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