just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
