The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
