I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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