If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize