i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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