the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
