we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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