So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
