i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
