Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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