you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize