My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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