Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
