I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
