And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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