In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize