btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
