dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
