dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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