There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
