I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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