Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
